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[15 Nov 2006|08:54pm] |
I cut again today. Two straight ones on the wrist about one and a half inches long. I used something really slightly rusty. You could hardly see the rust--so I hope that's not enough to cause tetanus or something... Anyway, the reason I did it was 'cause I just lost my bestfriend. Not lost, as in dead, but lost as in, our group of friends cut her out 'cause she was turning out to be a user, and abusive of our patience.
Here is the link if you want to know about it.
The gist is... we dumped her 'cause she used us all, and never even thanked us once. Plus, she's always get pissed whenever we didn't do something she wanted. And she also suddenly just leaves friends all alone after school until night comes, and never comes back, even if she says she will. So we dumped her.
She always called me her best friend, but I never really honestly acknowledged it back about her. It was just a title. Her definition of a best friend is someone she can take advantage of--money, house, food, money, transportation, money...
But, still, we've been calling each other best friends for ten years. And suddenly, all that's down the drain. I don't know if I should apologize to her or just wait until I've adjusted. Ten years has GOT to mean something. I was so surprised when I suddenly started crying about her, of all people.
So I cut instead. 'Cause I seriously don't know what to do. She's feeling depressed now, too, and is crying much more that I've been. I feel guilty about it 'cause she said I was the one whom she expected could understand her out of anyone else. Sometimes I feel like taking the first step, then sometimes I feel she should be the one. Am I just being a complete self-centered, proud idiot? Should I just suck it up and take the first step?
This cutting has taken a total relapse. I haven't cut in months, and here I go again..........
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